NEW EMPLOYEE
HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying
a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly,
you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may
buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL
DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT
LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should
be made to have non- employees attend to the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early.
RESTROOM
USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is
now a strict
3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your
loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be
directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
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